Thursday, February 18, 2010

A Letter to Saxon

I need to tell you some stuff, just get it off my chest, throw it to the wind, and let it be done. And don't worry, I'm being totally faithful and have no intentions of breaking up with you. So, you don't have to think this is anything bad. I also want you to know that I'm not expecting anything from you, except maybe a hug. I just need to vent.

I'm still depressed. It probably doesn't seem like I am when I'm with you, and that's because for a while, I can actually forget that it's there. On the plus side, it's not nearly as bad as when I first started seeing my therapist, but nevertheless, it is still there. I still have the occasional day where I just want to cocoon myself in my bed, and never leave it. Lately, my moods seem to fluctuate a lot, I don't have much energy, and I crave all kinds of sugary junk food. And because I've been depressed for quite a few months now, maybe even a year, I've become indecisive. When you're depressed, nothing really seems that appealing. It's just easier to let someone else make the decision for you. So, I don't want you to get frustrated if I can't decide on a movie to see, or I don't want to make plans for anything, or I really don't have any opinions on what we eat. It's not that I don't care, or that I want you to decide everything... it's just a habit I need to break. And I'm only bringing this up because I feel that I've been avoiding any sort of decisions a lot in the last couple of weeks.

I also want to tell you that I'm falling in love with you, and that scares the hell out of me. You see, I've only fallen in love twice before. The first time, the relationship ended with me gaining 100lbs and enduring emotional abuse that still has me scarred about sex. Every now and then, the thought that I might not get turned on or I might not be able to perform pops into my head, and makes everything so much more difficult. Fortunately, the more we have sex and I don't have issues, the less those thoughts occur. Anyway, the second time I fell in love, the relationship became totally sexless, my bulimia returned, and it ended with rape. So, all things considered, it's not really surprising that I'm feeling scared at the moment.

The problem with me being scared is that I turn to the one thing that makes me feel like I'm in control - food. I have been eating a lot more in the last month, especially processed sugar-filled foods, and so I've gained some weight. I have no idea how much because I don't weigh myself anymore, and I'm not going to start again. Numbers make me obsessive. But yeah, I haven't been exercising consistently (and I notice that my sexual endurance isn't quite the same), and my clothes are fitting differently. And, I don't want this to be a big thing (no pun intended), but in my head, I start to worry that you'll find me unattractive and you won't want to stick around. So, I just need a little reassurance that you aren't going anywhere, and that you do find me attractive.

I know this all probably sounds a little crazy, but I want you to know that it won't always be like this. Because I'm choosing not to take anti-depressants, it's gonna take a little while for me to overcome this depression. But that's what therapy is for. I'm learning to love myself, all of me, for who I am. And when I finally get there, and I know I will, I won't have all these crazy insecurities or this reliance on emotional eating. Until then, I'm just gonna be unintentionally indecisive, a little bigger than I want to be, and fearful of something I should be excited about (falling in love). At the end of the day, all I'd like from you is big hugs and to occasionally know how you feel about things.

Oh, and to end this, I'm cutting out sugar for the next 30 days. That doesn't apply to eating out, but I won't be buying any foods with sugar. This should actually help with my moods to stop them changing so erratically. Plus, I always feel better about myself when I'm keeping the processed stuff to a minimum.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Food/Exercise Log: 02/14/10 - 02/16/10

I woke up and did 36 minutes of hills on the elliptical. It was really tough as I kept having a hard time breathing. My allergies have been acting up for the last week or so.

I ran some errands and enjoyed a juicy organic pear and a green smoothie (blueberries, coconut milk, hemp protein powder, bananas and spinach). I spent the afternoon baking chocolate chocolate-chip scones and whipping up a hazelnut chocolate creme for a sinful take on strawberry shortcake for the evening. I snacked on one of the scones.

In the evening, Saxon and I cooked dinner together - pasta with a white wine mushroom sauce. It was actually a little disappointing. We also snacked on some french bread with a green olive tapenade. Delish! Then we each enjoyed one of my strawberry shortcakes. Totally divine. We also had some amazing sex! That definitely counts as exercise.

When I got home late that night, I was hungry. I ate more of the bread and olive tapenade when I should have just gone to bed.

Woke up with a sore lower back, and it get steadily worse throughout the day, even though I was just sitting at my desk all day. I just stretched a little, and decided to skip a workout. I didn't wanna aggravate it any more.

Started out my morning with a bunch of sliced strawberries, and a couple hours later, I ate the last chocolate scone from Sunday. Lunch was a Clif bar, and in the afternoon, I had a serving size of cashews.

When I got home, I was craving tons of veggies, so I threw a soup together. The base was vegan sour cream, veggie broth, and red curry paste. I threw in tons of mushrooms, 2 crowns of broccoli, half a bunch of kale, and half a bunch of mustard greens. Omg, good! I dipped the last quarter of the french baguette in it. Just what I needed. Before bed, sweet tooth was raging again, so I had a few handfuls of pumpkin seed granola.

My back is still pretty sore, so I'm holding off on working out. Breakfast was a banana, lunch was a vegetarian fajita burrito bowl from Chipotle, and dinner was a big bowl of leftover soup from last night. I'll probably finish it off tomorrow. I also baked some mint chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, and had 4 or 5 small ones. Soooo good, but nothing crazy. :)

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Food/Exercise Log: 02/12/10 - 02/13/10

Yesterday it snowed, so I left work early to make sure I could get over to Saxon's before I got snowed in at home for the weekend. I thought to bring some food with me, so in the evening (after eating normally all day), I cobbled together assorted veggies and greens in a creamy sauce, served with crackers. It actually ended up being pretty damn tasty.

Our original plans for the evening were ruined by the snow, so I wasn't able to squeeze in a workout like planned. Sex counts though, right?

Today, we've been ridiculously lazy. We talk a brief walk with Kirby in the snow, and that's about it. I've spent the afternoon reading, while Saxon plays his newest videogame. Our laziness is complimentary. I haven't eaten much today - granola and coconut milk for breakfast, crackers for lunch, and an apple as a snack. I'm really not all the hungry, on account that I'm being lazier than usual.

We took a longer walk in the evening, and played in the snow a bit. Well, I huddled in my coat, scarf and hat while Saxon played with Kirby in the snow. It was cold!

Dinner was ridiculously greasy Indian take out. Definitely not my favorite place to get Indian food, but it worked. By stomach was kinda upset by all the oil though. :(

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Food/Exercise Log: 02/11/10

Exercise - 50 minutes of power yoga. I really wasn't feeling this today, but I knew I needed a good stretch, so I pushed my way through it. There were times I could have held the poses longer, but as soon as my head said stop, I did. I find that sometimes when I work out, I have to fight my head every step of the way, even if I know I can do it. And other times, I'm all pumped up and push myself as hard as I possibly can. I prefer the latter, but today wasn't one of those times. I still figure that pushing through the workout is still better than not exercising at all.

Food was weird today. Since my bro is moving back, I had to move all my stuff from "office" back into my bedroom. I was complaining about not having enough space, so my mum helped me reorganize my entire closet. I was kinda weird, more than anything. Unsettling, I suppose. Anyway, I didn't have much hunger all day. Breakfast/lunch was a Clif bar around 3pm, and then I had some hummus and crackers, followed by mashed potatoes and sauteed greens and veggies for dinner at 7pm. My sweet tooth flared up later, so I made a half-batch of vegan cookie dough... and ate one half of it.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Food/Exercise Log: 02/09/10 - 02/10/10

My therapist has asked me to keep a food/exercise journal, so this shall suffice for now.

I suppose I'll start with yesterday:

I was healthy up until I got home from work. During the week, when I have time in the morning, my food looks like this:

Breakfast smoothie - 2 bananas, 1 cup unsweetened "milk" (usually hemp or coconut), 1 scoop of hemp protein powder, 1 tbsp almond butter, 1 tbsp greens powder, blueberries and 3 handfuls of fresh spinach. Water to thin.

Lunch - hummus and sprouts/romaine on sprouted rye bread. Healthy fruit-sweetened whole grain homemade muffin.

Afternoon snack - 1 serving size of nuts. Lately, dry roasted cashews.

Afternoon snack 2/pre-workout snack - piece of fruit

Dinner - usually some kind of combo of protein (beans, tofu or tempeh), greens, veggies, and grains (brown rice, quinoa, buckwheat, etc.)

Yesterday, I followed that plan until I got home. My new rat cage arrived and I was beyond eager to start constructing it. So, when I should have been cooking dinner, I started the building the cage instead. I got hungry really quickly, and ended up eating half a bag of root veggie chips. I followed that with half a box of nutter butters because my sweet tooth kicked in. That, and my energy has been low lately due to sleeping poorly. I did enjoy the nutter butters, but I'm paying the price today. Lots of gas and bloating, blech.

Today has been better. I should have made my lunch last night, like I usually do on workdays, but I didn't have the energy. Then I way overslept this morning, so I had to dash around the kitchen. I didn't have time to make my usual sandwich or smoothie, so I grabbed a Clif bar and a bunch of fruit. I ate the Clif bar for breakfast. It doesn't keep me full as long as the smoothie, and I don't feel quite as fabulous when I start my day out with one, but it's better than a lot of other options out there, and convenient.

I was ravenous at lunch, and I hadn't been to Chipotle in forever, so I decided to grab a Vegetarian Fajita Burrito Bowl. That's actually very healthy, and would have been the perfect lunch, only I had to order a bag of chips with it. I knew I wouldn't need the chips, but I craved the salt and lime. So yeah, I ate the burrito bowl AND the chips. I started to get hungry towards the end of the day, but I skipped my usual snacks because lunch was so big, I finished on a high note tonight though with a fresh veggie stir fry (tempeh, bok choy, red pepper, baby bella mushrooms, and broccoli sauteed with some oil, tamari and a couple of squeezes of orange juice). I served it with some leftover brown rice. Delicious!

My energy has perked up a little, so even though it's kinda late, I'm gonna do one of my kickboxing DVDs.

I feel so much better after doing that! I love the cardio kickboxing. Not only is a great way to get my heart pumping, but I get to punch and kick to my heart's content. Now I just hope that I'll get some decent sleep for a change. Gonna try some sleepytime tea again.