Thursday, February 18, 2010

A Letter to Saxon

I need to tell you some stuff, just get it off my chest, throw it to the wind, and let it be done. And don't worry, I'm being totally faithful and have no intentions of breaking up with you. So, you don't have to think this is anything bad. I also want you to know that I'm not expecting anything from you, except maybe a hug. I just need to vent.

I'm still depressed. It probably doesn't seem like I am when I'm with you, and that's because for a while, I can actually forget that it's there. On the plus side, it's not nearly as bad as when I first started seeing my therapist, but nevertheless, it is still there. I still have the occasional day where I just want to cocoon myself in my bed, and never leave it. Lately, my moods seem to fluctuate a lot, I don't have much energy, and I crave all kinds of sugary junk food. And because I've been depressed for quite a few months now, maybe even a year, I've become indecisive. When you're depressed, nothing really seems that appealing. It's just easier to let someone else make the decision for you. So, I don't want you to get frustrated if I can't decide on a movie to see, or I don't want to make plans for anything, or I really don't have any opinions on what we eat. It's not that I don't care, or that I want you to decide everything... it's just a habit I need to break. And I'm only bringing this up because I feel that I've been avoiding any sort of decisions a lot in the last couple of weeks.

I also want to tell you that I'm falling in love with you, and that scares the hell out of me. You see, I've only fallen in love twice before. The first time, the relationship ended with me gaining 100lbs and enduring emotional abuse that still has me scarred about sex. Every now and then, the thought that I might not get turned on or I might not be able to perform pops into my head, and makes everything so much more difficult. Fortunately, the more we have sex and I don't have issues, the less those thoughts occur. Anyway, the second time I fell in love, the relationship became totally sexless, my bulimia returned, and it ended with rape. So, all things considered, it's not really surprising that I'm feeling scared at the moment.

The problem with me being scared is that I turn to the one thing that makes me feel like I'm in control - food. I have been eating a lot more in the last month, especially processed sugar-filled foods, and so I've gained some weight. I have no idea how much because I don't weigh myself anymore, and I'm not going to start again. Numbers make me obsessive. But yeah, I haven't been exercising consistently (and I notice that my sexual endurance isn't quite the same), and my clothes are fitting differently. And, I don't want this to be a big thing (no pun intended), but in my head, I start to worry that you'll find me unattractive and you won't want to stick around. So, I just need a little reassurance that you aren't going anywhere, and that you do find me attractive.

I know this all probably sounds a little crazy, but I want you to know that it won't always be like this. Because I'm choosing not to take anti-depressants, it's gonna take a little while for me to overcome this depression. But that's what therapy is for. I'm learning to love myself, all of me, for who I am. And when I finally get there, and I know I will, I won't have all these crazy insecurities or this reliance on emotional eating. Until then, I'm just gonna be unintentionally indecisive, a little bigger than I want to be, and fearful of something I should be excited about (falling in love). At the end of the day, all I'd like from you is big hugs and to occasionally know how you feel about things.

Oh, and to end this, I'm cutting out sugar for the next 30 days. That doesn't apply to eating out, but I won't be buying any foods with sugar. This should actually help with my moods to stop them changing so erratically. Plus, I always feel better about myself when I'm keeping the processed stuff to a minimum.

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